No Matter What They Say
by Searchingformyheart
Summary: Jean had always been labeled as selfish. People looked at him in surprise when he did something that wasn't for himself. They thought him heartless, only concerned with his own well-being. So did she. But, unlike the others, she understood it. And he thought that maybe he was always destined to not care about anyone else, because why else would she go and leave him broken? Oneshot.


**No Matter What They Say**

* * *

_Italics= present, _Normal=flashback

* * *

She first noticed him as he was noticing someone else. His eyes followed the girl-Mikasa, was it? He seemed captivated with her beauty.

She almost laughed when she saw how awkward he was. She wasn't the type to draw attention to herself, though, so she kept quiet and simply watched.

She was always watching. She, unlike others, thought before she spoke, even though her responses ended up more honest than most. She perceived things differently, and she could see something about the harsh, pessimistic boy that others couldn't.

She decided it was about time to approach him after he had fought (yet again) with Eren. He was sitting in a corner, jaw clenched, a fist repeatedly slamming into his palm. Evidently, he had lost.

"Are you hungry? I've still got some bread left, if you'd like it."

He glanced up sharply, immediately suspicious. The clear, feminine voice clearly wasn't Mikasa, or any of the other girls he had talked to. The girl in front of him didn't compare with the black-haired beauty, but she was beautiful in her own way, too. Her eyes were intelligent and he could sense that she knew about everything, about everyone.

But who the hell was she? And why was she talking to him, of all people? Shouldn't she be fawning over Eren, like all the others?

She blinked, narrowing her eyes. "My arm's getting tired, you know. Are you going to take it or not?"

He hesitantly took the piece of bread in her hand. Drawing her arm back, the girl sat down next to him, against the wall. "I'm Natsuko Miyuki."

"Jean," he replied cautiously. "Jean Kirschtein."

"I know," She immediately fired back. "It was a bit hard to miss the commotion earlier."

He smiled wryly. Her name was completely contradictory. And her blunt way of speaking surprised him altogether. She didn't seem the type to be so straightforward.

He scanned her once again. Her skin was indeed like snow, flawless and a creamy white. Her eyes were as dark as obsidian, even darker than Mikasa's. Light reflected on her irises, and yet, no color emerged. Her hair was a lively golden color, cut choppily as though she had hacked it off for fun. But she wasn't really his type. He preferred dark, mysterious women.

"Oh, I know I'm not Mikasa, but could you at least give me a chance?" She sounded irritated. He gave a start, eyes widening. Had she read his mind? She threw him a glance.

"Don't underestimate me, Kirschtein. After all, you never really know what people can do until they beat the shit out of you. Like Jaeger over there." She jerked her chin in the black-haired boy's direction.

His eyes narrowed once more. Now she was just pissing him off. "Did you come here just to make fun of me?"

She smiled to herself. Finally, she had gotten something more out of him than wary looks and his name. He hadn't even touched the bread she had given him.

"Oh, don't get the wrong idea," she replied offhandedly. "I was just using him as an example. Personally, I thought your right hook was great."

He couldn't tell if she was being sarcastic or not. "Well, why aren't you falling all over him like everyone else? Don't tell me that you don't believe his bullshit, either."

She blinked for a moment, before responding. "He's not wrong. He's just not completely right."

"What does that mean?" Jean muttered. She smiled.

"He doesn't know everything. Nobody does. I can see how it might irritate you, when he acts like he does. The thing about people like him is that his goal is his life. It's who he is. It leaves no room for doubt."

He found himself nodding, agreeing with her every word. Finally, someone who didn't think Eren was all that great, who didn't believe all his talk about fighting and killing all the Titans to avenge mankind.

She looked at him sharply. "You and him are alike."

"What?" He snarled. He wanted to be nothing like that stupid Jaeger. He was an idiot, and Jean was not.

She smirked a little. "You have a goal too, Kirschtein. It's the reason you're here. Want to join the Military Police, huh? You're gonna have to work hard."

"I didn't plan on not doing so," he replied, jaw clenched. Who was she to doubt him?

"I never said you wouldn't." She looked straight into his eyes now, making him squirm just a bit under her unreadable gaze. "So how about it? Am I good enough to be your friend?"

She was the opposite of Mikasa, who was of few words. She was like summer snow and Mikasa was the sultry darkness. She was a little too smart for her own good and she pissed him off.

He smiled grimly. They would get along just fine.

"Deal," he told her, taking a bite of the bread. "We're friends."

* * *

_ A tear slipped down his cheek. He couldn't believe that he hadn't thought her beautiful the very first time he looked into those dark eyes._

_ The eyes that would forever remain closed._

_ Her sarcastic words and messy hair imprinted in his mind. He traced the outline of her face in the air above. Summer snow._

Maybe it's your fault_, his mind told him. _It's your fault. You were too weak to protect her.

_ "And maybe it is," he murmured, turning over in his bunk. Another sleepless night._

* * *

"Dammit," he cursed. "He beat me again."

"You're losing your game, eh?" She punched his shoulder playfully. "This is the second assessment in a row in which Jaeger's kicked your ass."

"Do you want to fight or something?" He muttered, glaring at her. He had to look quite a ways down, though that may have just been his height and not her lack thereof.

"Bring it on," she challenged, grinning cheekily. She knew he would never.

Sighing, he turned back to the board. "This all pisses me off."

"Oh, everything pisses you off," she supplied cheerfully, causing him to narrow his eyes and jab her in the stomach with a finger.

She jerked backwards, eyes wide. "S-Stop!"

He blinked, only just realizing what he had done. So she was ticklish… he grinned inwardly.

"You started it," he said, just like a pouting child would. He darted forward again, intent on making her pay for her words.

"S-Stop," she gasped, laughing. "I'm s-serious."

"Do you take back what you said?" He ominously intoned, capturing her sides as she struggled.

"N-Nope!" She answered, breaking free and protecting her stomach. "You're a mean one, Kirschtein."

He raised an eyebrow. "It's been at least two and a half years. Did it take you that long to figure out?"

"Nah, I always knew you were a bastard," she replied, suddenly turning around to look into the distance. "I feel like something's going to happen."

He scoffed. "What are you, psychic?"

She didn't answer, simply standing still. Miyuki knew that it was too good to be true. The Titans had already taken Wall Maria. It wouldn't be long before everything else came crashing down, too.

* * *

_She really might as well have been psychic. She could predict things before they happened. He wished with all his heart that she had been wrong, but he supposed that that attack had made him stronger. Had made him join the Recon Corps._

_ But it had ultimately led to her death, and that was something he couldn't forgive himself for._

_ He missed her. _

_ The others knew better than to disturb him unless it was an emergency, so when Eren knocked, he knew something was up._

_ "Mission," was all he said, before moving on to the next person._

_ Jean got up and strapped on his gear, walking outside._

Maybe this time, _he thought, _I'll die.

And then I'd see her again.

* * *

Hell. It had been hell.

The night had gone so perfectly. It had been one of the happiest since he had joined the military.

"I can't believe I'm still behind that stupid Eren," he muttered, well aware of his rank as sixth while Eren hovered just above him at fifth at graduation.

"Lighten up, you idiot," she said lightly, smiling a bit. "I was so close, too. Only, you know, forty-seven behind you."

His lips lifted a little at that. But he also couldn't help but feel a pang of fear. He hoped that she would be good enough to survive. And if she wasn't… well, he didn't really know what he would do.

"So you're headed for the Inner District, huh?" She asked ruefully. "Guess we're splitting up."

Even after all this time, he was surprised that her voice held no disgust or dissatisfaction when she talked about his decision. Unlike Eren, she didn't judge him for it, or so it seemed.

"You don't resent me? You don't think me shallow for doing this?" He asked, wanting to confirm his thoughts.

She once again gave him one of her endless stares, and her lips lifted into a familiar smile. "Dude, you're not suicidal."

And then he laughed. She had summed up his thoughts exactly. There was probably more to her thinking, but if that was all she was going to say, then that was all that mattered.

But the next day, that stupid fucking Titan had shown up. The Colossal Titan just couldn't leave them alone, had to stick its huge fucking foot through the gate. He hated it so much; he could almost understand why Eren wanted to join the Recon Corps.

And then hell had started, the whole fight. The attack.

Everyone had been despairing on the rooftops. He had no idea where Miyuki was, or if she was even still alive. The thought made him shiver.

If it weren't for Mikasa, showing up and being a bitch, they probably wouldn't have made it out alive. If it weren't for Marco, encouraging him to take the lead when the noirette prodigy had fallen, they'd probably all be dead.

Jean knew that he was the reason many of them were alive, but he also knew that he was the reason some of them were not. The guilty eating away at him almost made him want to throw up.

Instead he had taken his anger out on some poor supplier, slapping him across the face. Calling them cowards. In reality, he was shaking in fear himself.

Marco glanced at Jean, whose eyes were dark and his jaw clenched. Marco decided that Jean needed to realize that this wasn't his fault. "You're not strong, Jean. Forgive me for saying this, but I think you're weak. But because of that, you can understand what the weak feel, and make the best decisions based on this. That's what makes you a great leader."

Jean couldn't believe his ears, really. Marco was one of the few people besides Miyuki who didn't agree with Eren's opinion of him. And he had insulted Jean, but at the same time, his words were the only ones that made him feel better.

Armin's plan had worked, and now they were restocking their gas tanks as the Titans evaporated around them. He joined the others on the rooftop as they watched the rouge Titan, the strange one, beat up some more giants.

He could tell that the Titan was weakening, but he scorned the thought of helping it. No matter what it attacked, it was still a Titan. Still brutal and dangerous.

But as he turned to leave, he heard Mikasa's gasp, and he turned back to see one of the biggest shocks of his life. Eren fucking Jaeger was rising out of the Titan's neck, and Mikasa Ackerman recklessly jumped down to embrace him.

A realization struck him. He looked around, seeing all the dead bodies of the Titans the rouge one had slaughtered. "Then… Eren did all of this?"

* * *

_He was selfish. So selfish. He hadn't once thought about her safety during the commotion, unlike Mikasa, who had even come looking for Eren. He knew that his life was at stake, but he couldn't help but feel as though he should've at least prayed for her._

_ In the end, it didn't matter. It hadn't been this battle, but no matter which fight, the outcome was the same._

_ She was gone, gone, gone._

_ There was nothing he could do to bring back that bright laugh, that half smirk, half smile, those blunt words. He couldn't bring back her complicated personality, her acceptance of him, or the dangerous flash of her eyes._

_ The world was cruel, to be sure. He had lost so much, and yet, he knew that some had it even worse._

_ It was all the Titans' fault. He now fully agreed with Eren Jaeger._

_ And perhaps, his will to live having diminished, he was able to risk his life, over and over again, for those beliefs without fear._

* * *

Miyuki glanced at him. He was clenching the spoon, not eating what was in front of him. Connie was in the middle of a recap of how they got out, even praising Jean.

Normally, he'd respond at least a bit, but this time, he remained silent.

Ymir then asked him, "Did you come back with Mikasa? Is she okay?"

He didn't answer, and for some reason, Miyuki felt a bit hurt. Was he so worried about her that he couldn't even talk? Did his feelings for the beautiful, strong, Mikasa overpower everything?

Later, she approached him. "Jean, stop it. I don't even know what's got you so depressed. Is it Mikasa? Is she hurt?"

He was a bit startled at the bitterness with which she said Mikasa's name. He had no idea that she even disliked her.

"It's not that," he muttered. "I can't tell you."

"Fine." She seemed almost angry, he thought. He couldn't figure out why, though. And neither could she.

* * *

_He knew now. He knew, and only wished that he had known earlier, so that he might've appreciated her when he could. He should've just trusted her, let her known that Eren was on his mind, not Mikasa._

_ What they both couldn't define earlier was now clear, and had been for a while. But it was too late._

* * *

"For the first time ever, mankind will be able to retake territory from the Titans!"

Pixis' empowering speech, however, was not met with cheers. Jean could hear the hysterical cries near him, the panicked gasps, and the frightened words.

"I can't do this. I'm not doing this. I have a child, I have a wife, and I'm not dying for this!" One man screeched, causing Jean's fist to clench even more and sweat to roll down his forehead. No matter how much he wanted to be brave, the man's words were all to similar to his own thoughts.

More and more people around him were becoming restless. The plan for retaking Trost had been announced with confidence, but the soldiers were anything but.

And all of a sudden, people started to flood out. They were leaving. Some tried to stop the others, but the natural human instinct of fear was overpowering everything.

Jean's own legs were shaking. He couldn't even hear what Pixis' was saying. Hesitantly, one of his own feet turned a little.

That was when he saw Miyuki. She didn't look frightened. She didn't look panicked. She didn't even look disgusted at the people who were leaving. She was simply standing, fist over her heart in a salute, as she awaited further command.

Inside, Miyuki was scared shitless. As one soldier grabbed her shoulders and shook her, screaming, "Aren't you scared? We're all gonna die! This is living hell!" she couldn't stop a tiny gasp from escaping.

But she knew what she stood for. She knew who she was. All of these people, who didn't even know that, were being driven by primal instincts. Normally, those instincts helped people survive. But today, they would kill.

She was smart enough to recognize this. Her mental strength far surpassed others, even though her physical skills should've sent her running, convincing her that she would die. "I am a soldier, sworn to protect the people of the Walls, even if it costs me my life. That is what I swore when I became a soldier. I know this. Do you?"

Her words were stinging, even to her own ears. Her voice shook, but it came out with clarity and assurance. This was who she was.

The soldier slowly backed away, eyes wild. "I-I…"

Her words, combined with Pixis', caused the soldier to shakily turn back and offer up his own heart. "I know."

Jean closed his eyes. "Hell, if she can do it, then so can I."

He turned to face the Wall, and never looked back.

* * *

_That was something he had always admired about her. Her strength. Her unwavering loyalty. How she could remain standing even as the bravest shit their pants and ran back crying. He smiled to himself as he finished harnessing his horse and swung on its back. Eren had called him only a minute ago._

_ He was vaguely surprised. He could remember so much pain in so little time._

* * *

He was shaking. That body in front of him… it couldn't be.

"Marco?" He whispered, aghast. The corpse was barely recognizable, half of his body chewed off, his mouth open in what was probably his last scream. His eye was dead and horrific. It showed no signs of the optimistic, kind, loyal boy Marco used to be.

He remembered how panicked he was only a couple of days ago, stranded on that street, a Titan looming over him and his fucking 3D gear broken. Of all times, really. He sure as hell didn't want to die, but his gear wasn't giving him much of a choice.

_I really hope this never happens to Miyuki, _was all he could think before the Titan was upon him and he had to duck into the house. _I do get the shittiest luck, though. _

But Marco, the Marco whose corpse was in front of him, had distracted the Titan long enough for Jean to wrestle some new gear off of a dead body. He had saved Jean's life, and now, he was dead.

He could barely give an answer to the nurse who was jotting down names. He was in shock.

He had known loss, of course. But this was all too real and raw, and it awakened a deep fear and sadness inside of him.

"Oh, my god." He heard Miyuki, though the voice was blurry and unfocused. She put a hand on him arm, gently. "Marco…"

He looked at her and saw that she was crying. He had never seen her cry before, and it only made him sadder.

"His name is Marco," he told the nurse. "And he was one of the bravest people I ever knew."

"And he will be remembered," Miyuki vowed. "I swear."

* * *

_The horse pounded against the ground. The names of people he knew that had died ran through his head. The list grew with every mission._

_ Thomas, Marco, Mina, Grisha, Erd, Braun, Kazuo, Leon, Emma…_

_ …Miyuki._

You are all remembered. And I am doing this for you.

_ Up ahead, a Titan was fast approaching._

* * *

He shook as he picked up a bone. For all he knew, it could be Marcus' bone. The atmosphere was heavy, despairing, and as thick as the smoke rising from the fires of the deceased.

"It's what we have to do now, huh?" He asked, to no one in particular.

"Hey, what legion are you joining?" He stepped forward, towards the other trainees. "I'm joining the Recon Corps."

He didn't even have to see their faces to know that they were shocked. Only Miyuki remained expressionless. Then, to his surprise, she spoke. "Then I will, too."

He was a bit startled. He had always thought that Miyuki would join the Garrison, because her fighting abilities were little over mediocre. Becoming a Recon Corp would most surely mean death. But she was smart. She knew what she was doing.

Still, it didn't mean that he wanted her to rush to her death. Later, as they leaned against a brick wall, he tried to persuade her otherwise. Even if she wanted to be of more help, he tried to tell her that she would be better off on the edge of the Walls, not outside them.

"Who do you think I am, Jean? You know I've made up my mind," she retorted. "God, you're so stupid, I can't even…"

What? He was confused. "How am I stupid?"

"You can't even see I'm doing this because I'm worried about you!" She suddenly shouted, wheeling around to face him. She looked up into his startled expression.

He chose the worst thing to say. "You…are?"

Her eyes were shining in the firelight. There were tears forming. "You are a stupid, arrogant, selfish, insensitive, dumb bastard." With every word, she started punching him in the chest. He was surprised, but he could tell she wasn't putting her all force behind them. He honestly had no idea what to do.

She stopped, and buried her face into his chest. Her next words were soft, interwoven with tears. "So why am I so in love with you?"

It was the last thing he expected her to say after her rant, but he could feel his arm moving, against his will, like his heart knew something his mind didn't. He gently cupped her face. As he lifted her chin, her choppy hair brushing his fingers, her dark eyes looked so sad that he knew she thought he still loved Mikasa, or something.

She was being reckless. She was being stupid, for the first time. She was a smartass. She pissed him off. She constantly made him worry, and she was a pain in the ass. She was a contradiction; snow in the summer, a fire in the rain. He honestly sometimes thought she was crazy.

"I don't know, but I'm sure as hell glad you are."

And when he kissed her, he thought that might've been crying, too.

* * *

_That had been the most heartbreaking thing. That she loved him._

_ He really wasn't worth her love, or anyone's. If it hadn't been for her foolishly falling for him, then she wouldn't have joined the Recon Corps, and she would still be alive. If they had never met, if only he hadn't fought with Eren that first day, she wouldn't have ended up like this._

_ Or maybe she would've, either way._

_ But he knew that at least, it wouldn't have hurt so much. _

_The first few Titans in the way he could handle. But the last one was just so large, so fast, that he couldn't react when it snatched him up in its hand._

* * *

"If you cannot handle this, then you are dismissed." Irvin's authoritative voice resounded around the area. People were still in shock at the devastating statistics that the Recon Corp leader had shared with them.

Then, people started leaving. They wanted to get the hell out. They wanted nothing to do with this job, this seemingly mindless sacrifice.

Jean couldn't believe what he was doing. He couldn't believe that even though his legs were shaking harder than they ever had, he did not look back. Even if he had stated that he wanted to join the Recon Corps and make Marcus proud, most of him was terrified. He had seen those horrific Titans, the monsters that devoured life so easily, so quickly. And he never wanted to see one again.

_Dammit, dammit, dammit!_

A hand took his. He knew it was Miyuki. He shut his eyes tight and clenched his jaw, and when none but the bravest remained, he opened them. Both he and Miyuki were breathing hard.

This was a choice that they might live to forever regret, but it was too late now. They could not go back.

"You have my respect for your bravery."

_But we're not brave_, Jean thought grimly. _We've just lost too much to stop fighting._

Beside him, Miyuki's gaze was darker then ever. She knew full well that she had just signed her death warrant, even if Jean Kirschtein did not. She hoped that he wouldn't be one of the ones watching her die.

* * *

"We can't let her reach the formation!" Jean shouted over the wind as they rode their horses as fast as they would go. The animals didn't even need the encouragement of sharp heels digging into their sides, for the threat of the massive female Titan behind them was enough to keep them fleeing as fast and far as they could. "We have to stall her!"

It was clear that Reiner and Armin were surprised that he was thinking of someone other than himself. They even said so aloud.

"I can't disappoint the ashes of our friends," he responded grimly, remembering Marcus' charred remains. This was the least he could do to make sure they had not died in vain.

After they lead the Titan around, after Armin got knocked off his horse, after Reiner had almost gotten crushed, the three of them ran. Hopefully, they had bought enough time for the formation to regroup and fall back.

"What are they doing?" Reiner wondered as the green flares went up. Jean gritted his teeth. He couldn't believe that the Commander was just going to waste their effort like that, just keep on going after they had tried so hard to buy time for exactly the opposite reason.

"I don't know, but we have to trust the Commander and obey his orders!" Armin shouted, much to Jean's displeasure.

The plan for the forest was soon revealed, and after the whole hellish mission was over, he stumbled back into a safe area, hardly daring to believe that he was alive.

"Miyuki…" he muttered. "Where's Miyuki?"

He wandered over to a group of people he knew. "Does anyone know where Miyuki is?"

"I haven't seen her," Krista replied, sounding worried. "Have you guys?"

They all shook their heads and Jean rolled his eyes. They were useless. "Where is she? I thought we said we'd meet up next to this hut." He turned around to go ask some more people, when he saw a familiar head of messy golden locks, somewhere far off in the distance.

He started forward, and then froze in horror as he realized the head was bobbing, moving… but the body was sideways.

He watched in shock as Miyuki was carried by on a stretcher, a sheet covering most of her body, leaving only her face so she could be identified. "Miyuki!" He stumbled forward, eyes wide as the people carrying the stretcher stopped and waited for him to run to them.

"Tell me she's still alive," he begged, dropping to his knees before reaching out to brush a piece of her hair out of her face. But he didn't need to hear the woman's sad answer to know that she wasn't. Her body was stone cold.

Even in death, she did not look scared. A half smile adorned her face, and he could just imagine her smirking at the Titan, telling it that while it may break every bone in her body, it would never break her soul.

The lower half of the sheet sagged, allowing Jean to realize that she was probably missing her legs. Some fucking Titan had stuffed her in his mouth and bitten down, and she had been in tremendous pain as she died, and yet, she still smiled. Her death had not been pretty, or even heroic. Maybe no one had even been there to see it.

Shamelessly, he wept. He cried as the only one who understood his selfishness, his decisions, lay cold and unmoving in front of him. He sobbed out her name as her obsidian eyes were closed forever, as the fragile summer snow finally melted.

_Natsuko Miyuki… I love you. I have no idea why the hell I never actually said it. I love you. I love everything about you. But now, you're gone… why did you leave me?_

* * *

_The hand was hot, too hot for comfort. It wrapped around him, squeezing him, and everything seemed to play in slow motion._

It's finally time, _he thought. _I'm going to die this time.

_He closed his eyes, and he welcomed it. He would finally see her again. But something stopped him from dropping his swords; something stopped him from staying still. He knew exactly what Miyuki would say if she were there._

_ "Hey, you little fucker! Don't you dare die! You haven't kicked Jaeger's ass yet! And I was most definitely looking forward to watching that, you bitch!"_

_ He laughed inwardly. She was right. She always was._

_ With a swift motion, his sword sliced across the Titan's palm and it let go of him with a yelp. Instinctively, urged on by years of training, he flew through the air and with a single move, sliced the Titan's neck. It fell, defeated._

_ It wasn't the first time she had saved his life. She continued to save him, even after she was gone. He was amazed that he could've ever thought of her as the quiet girl who had approached him, the one who couldn't compare to Mikasa, the one who was a little too smart to be accepted. Because she was beautiful, she was amazing, and she was the only reason he hadn't gone crazy yet._

_ "Are you happy?" He asked the sky, swinging back on the horse's back. "I'm still alive."_

_ "Yeah," he could imagine her saying, "I am. I'm betting everything on you, Jean, no matter what they say. So don't you dare die, ever."_

No matter what they say, _Jean thought, _no sacrifice is in vain. No one will be forgotten, least of all Miyuki. Their legacy lives on in us, in our veins, in our blades, and in every single Titan we kill.

_Jean Kirschtein. Took down twenty-seven Titans. Assisted with another eighty-two. _

_ "All for Natsuko Miyuki."_

* * *

**Brb, I think I'm crying. I've never tried to write a story with the OC as the love interest before, and I completely just let Miyuki's character develop itself. Oh, and by the way, Natsuko Miyuki means something roughly close to summer snow. Because Natsuko means child of summer, while Miyuki means snow. Which will explain the sappy repeated references attempted to be poetic.**

**This all your fault, Leo. Why must every fic I write for you become an angst fic?! Seriously. Anyways, seeing as this is my first OC story and I probably completely screwed up Jean, I welcome reviews and CC, or whatever you want to say about this.**

**For LeoInuyuka, and I probably spelled that wrong, but screw it. **

**Review?**

***crawls away to build a grave for my dead OC***

**~Sea**


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